Coaching Focus: A colleague is having a hard time with someone on their team. They’ve asked your advice on how to address it. What guidance can you offer?
When a colleague approaches you for advice about a challenge they’re having with someone on their team, it can be tough to know where to start. Workplace conflicts can quickly spiral if not addressed thoughtfully. Here are three practical options you can suggest to your colleague to help them resolve the situation effectively:
1.Seek to Understand
Encourage your colleague to start with curiosity rather than jumping to conclusions or making assumptions about why their colleague is behaving the way they are. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking we know what’s going on with other people, but truly understanding the other person’s perspective can open the door to resolution.
One useful model here is Active Listening. This involves giving the other person your full attention, asking clarifying questions, and repeating back what you’ve heard to confirm understanding. Your colleague could approach their team member with something like:
“I’ve noticed some tension between us, and I want to understand your perspective. Can we talk about it?”
This approach lowers defences and shows they’re genuinely interested in resolving the issue, not just placing blame.
Key Tip: Encourage your colleague to stay calm and focused on listening rather than planning a rebuttal or defensive response while the other person is speaking.
2. Find Common Ground and Collaborate
Once they’ve opened up the conversation, the next step is to explore areas of alignment. Even in difficult relationships, there’s often shared ground. Perhaps they both care about delivering a quality project or maintaining a positive team dynamic.
The Interest-Based Relational Approach (IBR) is useful here. Instead of focusing on positions (what each person wants), this model encourages finding underlying interests (why they want it). The key is to uncover shared goals:
“It seems like we both want to make sure this project is a success. How can we work together to make that happen?”
By focusing on shared interests, your colleague can reframe the conversation toward collaboration rather than conflict. This helps to shift from adversarial roles to joint problem-solving.
3. Set Clear Boundaries and Expectations
If the tension persists despite understanding and collaboration, it may be time for your colleague to assert some boundaries. This doesn’t mean issuing ultimatums, but rather clearly stating what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour in the spirit of achieving better results, and setting expectations for future interactions.
Boundaries are about protecting one’s own work environment, well-being, and professional integrity. Here’s how they might approach it:
“I understand where you’re coming from, but moving forward, I need us to communicate more openly to avoid misunderstandings.”
Using the DESC Model (Describe, Express, Specify, Consequences), your colleague can structure their boundary-setting in a respectful but firm way.
This model suggests:
D-escribe the specific behaviour that’s resulting in a negative outcome – keep this factual and results focused.
E-xpress how it affects them or the team.
S-pecify and agree what could be done to improve the outcome.
C-onvey the positive outcomes or consequences of adhering to the boundary.
Managing Emotions: Stay Grounded and Self-Aware
Finally, remind your colleague to check in with themselves before, during, and after the conversation. Emotions can run high in conflict situations, and it’s essential to be aware of their own triggers and responses. Suggest they pause and ask themselves:
“What emotions am I bringing into this?”
“Why does this particular situation feel so difficult?”
Encouraging mindfulness practices or breathing exercises can help them manage their stress and remain calm during the interaction.
Additionally, remind them that it’s okay to take a break if the conversation becomes too heated and revisit it when both parties are calmer.
By focusing on seeking understanding, finding common ground, setting boundaries, and managing their emotions, your colleague can navigate this challenging situation with clarity and confidence.
